i think my mom watched the whole time
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
