Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
then he tried to convert me to islam
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
