I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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