This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
