I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
