On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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