I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
