I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
