i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
