I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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