I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
