At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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