my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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