i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
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