I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
