i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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