Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
