either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
