Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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