Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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