life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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