What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
