I hate all girls vehemently.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
