I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
