If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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