I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You can't motorboat a personality
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Found the puke drawer
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
