I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
