He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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