I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
