So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
