So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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