First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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