3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
