shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
