i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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