having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I party with great urgency now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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