He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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