did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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