Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
