If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
