He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
