I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
