Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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