I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
