Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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