hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I need to stop coming to work sober
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
