i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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