I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize