best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
