You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think your dad took our porno
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
