i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
where are my eyebrows?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
