How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
