whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
