I want to make a zoo with you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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