look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
