I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
