Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
