I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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