Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
