my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
