He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
