Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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